Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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