Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
