I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
