i don't like sucking hair
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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