i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
