She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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