Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
