I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
