Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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