Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
