it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
