It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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