I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
