I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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