i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
