it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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