she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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