I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
