Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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