there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
