I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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