Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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