I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
