I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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