My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we're making bets on your personal life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
