I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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