I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
