Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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