The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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