So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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