Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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