Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
