I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
