I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
