You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
