If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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