The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
