You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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