Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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