HIV tests are more positive than that guy
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
