You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
