Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
