So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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