so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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