I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
