I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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