You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
