he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
