go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
nutella sex= disaster
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
