Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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